The Pitch: Happy Gilmore meets Doogie Howser M.D. meets Almost Famous
Price of Admission: $3.25
When: July 17, 1993 @ 1:20 pm
My Age: 12
Quote: [once taken out of the cast, Henry's arm snaps around and hits Dr. Kersten in the nose] Dr. Kersten: [muffled, with hands over his face] Funky, buttloving...!
Baseball movies tailored to kids, what a genre. It's produced some true gems and a lot more duds. The gems: The Bad News Bears (original version), Sandlot, and Mr. Baseball. The duds: Angels in the Outfield, Little Big League, The Bad News Bears sequels and remake, and The Kid from Left Field. In a league by itself are the Air Bud movies that have the greatest of all post-colon-pun titles: Golden Receiver and Seventh Inning Fetch.
Here we have Rookie of the Year. A very watchable movie at the age of 12, though I haven't seen it since. This came at the peak of my baseball-phase. I collected lots of baseball cards, mostly Topps(ex-Disney guru Michael Eisner has just bought up the Topps franchise and is going to try and turn it into another rape-my-childhood entrepreneurial endeavor), Donruss and Score were for the rich kids.
Most of all, though, I was an avid New York Mets fan. The 80's and early 90's Mets had the greatest roster of baseball teamsters and/or coke fiends. In order of favorites: Dwight "Dr. K" Gooden, Daryl Strawberry, Keith Hernandez, Gary Carter, HoJo, Lenny Dykstra, Kevin McReynolds, Ron Darling, David Cone, Mookie Wilson, Wally Backman and Gregg Jefferies. I loved me some Mets, but hated me some Atlanta Braves and Chicago Cubs. Growing up in the south, these two NL East teams plagued my Saved By the Bell after school schedule. There was nothing better than getting home from school and settling down with a half-pack of Ritz crackers, a caffeine-free Pepsi and some SBtB. But there were many times I'd have to deal with the likes of Dale Murphy and Harry Carey interrupting Zach sneaking into The Attic to air their buzzkill daygames on TBS and WGN. (Consequentially, these channels have subjected me to the 588-2300 Empire commercials, the catchiest of all ad jingles).
And then Little League happened. I was on the baseball team called the General Shale Generals. We were coached by my future high school physics and chemistry teachers (you'd think we'd of mastered the science of the game, or at least how to make a bat out of balsa wood).
(Not me)
My first year we placed second-to-last, beating the last-to-last place team the Hit Men. My second and last year we finished completely last. The Generals was an apt name as the Washington Generals were the losingest team in all of sports, being their main opponents the Harlem Globetrotters. Being a subpar player on a shitpoor team will kill anyone's baseball spirits, so I've pretty much faded away from it except for World Series or steroid finger-wagging.
But I did have Rookie of the Year. A cinematic escape into a regular kid succeeding not by actual talent, but by a freak anomaly of a broken-arm-rehealed-into-a-sonic-pitcher's-arm. I remember facing now-NFL player Aubrayo Franklin at the plate. He lined up for the pitch. The pitch sailed by as I teetered all the way back to the edge of the on-deck batter's box in cowardace. I'd have killed to have broken my arm to get a sonic arm, or at least an excuse not to be on the suckiest team in all of Little League.
Synopsis of Rookie of the Year: Kid from American Pie breaks his arm and can pitch like a pie-fucker. He gets hired by the Chicago Cubs and is subjected to Gary Busey as a mentor. Has to deal with mommy. All directed by the guy who voiced the narration of Kevin Arnold on The Wonder Years, Daniel Stern.
Next Up: Proctor from The Police Academy movies parodies the Head and Shoulders shampoo ads.
